How to Annoy Pirates and Alienate Yourself
by MySignalFire
Summary: What peeves Elizabeth, Jack, and Will? How do you kick Davy Jones in the butt and laugh about it? Why does Norrington take calling him an Ice-Cream Cone to offence? Yup, it's the real deal: the perfect guide to annoying PotC characters so they hate you!
1. How to Annoy Will Turner, The Pansy

Author's Note: I had read "Ways to Annoy PotC Characters" (I think that's what it's called) by The Pirate Babe, and I couldn't

**Author's Note:** I had several "How to annoy" stories and I couldn't help but feel that I had to write one of my own! Title is named after the upcoming movie, "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" with Megan Fox and Kirsten Dunst. I really hope you like it – it's my first humour piece yet!

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**William Turner**

So, you wanna annoy this little woman-of-a-man, don't you? Well, if you don't, then go away. You'll be having serious health problems if you're a Will Turner/Orlando Bloom fan girl. I'm a Jack Sparrow/Johnny Depp fangirl (Mind you, I still will make one that pokes at him) so I can heartily say this will be FUN!

Here are some of the things YOU can do _today_!

Tell Will he's a pansy.

Tell Will that his father's an evil pirate who takes lives of Aztec tomb raiders and sends him medallions that the tomb raiders owned.

Force him to watch Elizabeth Kissing Jack. On your giant-screen television.

On repeat.

When he's asleep, use toothpaste as make-up so he looks like the joker.

On second thought, make the toothpaste the white putty-foundation. Use caviar for lipstick and sharpie for the eye things.

When he wakes up, run around in circles and scream, "THE JOKER WILL _EAT US ALL_!"

If he asks whom the Joker is, give him strange looks.

Tie him to a chair and make him watch you break Will Turner action figures.

Or Elizabeth Swann action figures.

Tell you what, how about you make him watch you break Will _and_ Elizabeth…_and _Bootstrap Bill!

Tell him that Jack Sparrow could beat him in Sword Fighting any day.

Tell him that his Sword Fighting skills are so lax, even a drunken _baby_ could fight him. And win.

Tell him he's an overgrown ape.

Tell him that his fan girls have abandoned him for Jack.

When he asks why, tell him it's because they realized he was a woman in disguise. And they thought Jack was hotter.

Sneeze when he comes near you.

When he asks if you're okay, say no, because you're allergic to him.

Tell him he shouldn't wear stockings. It only adds to the woman look.

Call him fat and chubby and say that men who fence shouldn't be as tubby as he is.

Tie him to a chair and glue his boots to the floor. Then tell him Davy Jones is out to get him.

Then dress up like Davy Jones and do Hokey Pokey dance in front of him.

If you're still in Davy Jones's costume, dangle a fake heart in front of him and tell him that he couldn't get it even if he tried.

Say this: "Jack looks _100 times _better than you. You're ugly. He's not."

Say it 20,000 times in a row.

On Valentine's Day, send him a valentine with Jack's face on it.

Inside, make it say "WillEunuch 4EVER!"

Slap him.

When he asks why, say that it's past Halloween and that his ugly face is scaring children.

Then say it also scared Elizabeth so much, she decided to elope with Jack.

Tell Will that Norrington married Elizabeth. Because she hates Will.

On Will's birthday, tie him to a chair and run around him, singing, "Will is a Pansy! Will is a Pansy!" over and over again (to the Jar of Dirt tune).

Eat all of his marshmallows.

And his pizza.

Throw him overboard.

No, throw Elizabeth overboard.

Run around him in circles on his birthday and scream "Jack is the bestest pirate ever! Will is a fat pansy!"

Every time Will walks past you, yell "EUNUCH ALERT!" and run away.

Put permanent glue in his boots. And make sure he ain't wearing those dang stockings.

Use a razor and change his hairdo. Into a Mohawk.

Use eyeliner so he looks like a punk rocker

Put nerd glasses on top. So he's a punk-rocker wannabe.

Oh, wait, adding to the wannabe look: put billy-bob teeth in.

Steal Will's knife.

When he asks why, say that he's a cruel violent madman and that you called the lunatic's asylum to collect him. And that he'd better hide under the bed.

You don't call the asylum. He's been under the bed for three weeks now.

When he asks why you're so mean to him, say that he's so thick he can't get the humour.

Take him to New York's Times Square and seat him next to the Naked Cowboy. Take lots of pictures.

Tell him that he's not good at copying Jack and that he really actually sucks.

Tell him that Jack's an original uniqueness. And that Will is a nerdy wannabe.

Put a whoopee Cushion under his chair. Every time he sits down.

Borrow Johnny Depp's fart machine and stick it under the table near Will's regular seat When you and Will have dinner with royalty, press the button.

Press it a lot.

Put him in a chicken outfit your dad wore last Halloween.

Tell him he looks great – like a supermodel!

Take tons of pictures and videos and post them on the internet.

Tell Will that he makes a bad Barbie.

When he asks you what a Barbie is, slap in the face.

When he says "Ow," give him a black eye.

Tell Will that Jack and Elizabeth got married and have 5,000,000,000,000 kids.

Kids they named "Jack is Pretty" or "Elizabeth is Pretty."

Tell Will that they all get confused a lot, but they love it.

Tell Will that they're glad he's gone.

TA-DA!

You have successfully finished this guide to annoying Will Turner!


	2. Annoy James Norrington, the Ice

**Heeeeheeeeheeeee**. We're back with another slam attack at a beloved Pirates character! Keep in mind that Jack is always the best :)

And now, to our feature presentation…

…**How to Annoy EX-COMMODORE James Norrington!**

Yaaay! Here at last!

Stick his wig in an ice-cream cone.

When he asks you why you took his wig, just look all innocent and say, "It was a wig? I thought it was ice-cream!"

During his promotion ceremony, offer him a free Jack Sparrow T-Shirt.

Read him Sparrington stories every night.

Ask him if he prefers wearing bikini underwear to thongs ("Do you, sir?").

Pinch him on the cheek and mother him. "You look so cute, Jamesie-poo! All grown up! You look so strong in that uniform!"

Ask him when he first realized he was gay

Fill his room with GIANT marshmallows. And make him clean it by eating it.

Every day.

When he asks why, tell him you have a strange infatuation for marshmallows. "They're so white and cuddly!"

Ask him to tell you ALL ABOUT his plans to capture Jack.

Yawn. A lot.

Snore.

Oh – criticize him during said plan discussion.

Tell him you want to play a Pirates of the Caribbean game where you act out the scenes.

Tell him to play Jack.

Ask him why he wears tights.

Ask him if he's going to be the best man at Will and Elizabeth's wedding ceremony off-ship.

Throw him a Pirate-themed party.

All the birthday hats, bags, plates, and napkins (ooh, and table-cloths) should have Jack's face on them.

Tie him to a chair and gag him and run around him in circles screaming that you're Jack's Wife/fan girl. Even if you're a guy. It adds to Norrington's wishing he wasn't there.

Call him Jamesy-Wamesy or Jamesy-noodle.

All the time.

While he's sleeping, tattoo the Jack Sparrow sunset tattoo on his arm. Oh, and put an "I'm a Jack Sparrow Fan Girl!" tattoo on his forehead while your at it.

When he wakes, tell him they're permanent.

Kidnap Gillette. Tell Norrington that he needs to kiss Jack three times (on the lips – FULL OUT) to rescue his comrade.

Stick a sign (with permanent glue) that says "KICK ME – I'M GAY!" to Norrington's outfit's back. Every coat must say it.

Call him Norry.

A lot.

Steal Mr. Cotton's parrot and train it to say (all the time and on repeat), "Norrington, you're a tellitubby named Po!"

Give it to Norrington as a birthday present.

When he asks you what a tellitubby is, tell him that it's a gay pirate who likes eating giant cookies made out of Human Waste.

Spread rumours about Norrington and Jack (otherwise known as Sparrington) around the Navy.

Use the fart machine you used on Will…with Norrington.

Every evening, tell him he has a dawn appointment with the gallows. "I would hate for you to miss it!"

Vandalize the Dauntless so it says (one on side), "JACK SPARROW IS MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER BE, JAMESY-WAMESY!"

On the other side: "SPARROW IS THE UP SIDE TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP."

Talk endlessly about how well Willabeth is doing. "Oh, they are such a _perfect_ couple – made for each other, that's right!"

Snog him so much that he begs for more. Then get up and say, "Sorry, I thought you were _Jack_."

Bring up the amazingly crafty and witty escape of _Captain _Jack Sparrow's escape from the gallows!

Bring it up so much he wishes you were a mute.

Bring up Jack's amazing macho-ness and hotness _and_ how much of a man he is as compared to the wimp Norrington is.

Tell him that he's much better as a rum-pot deck hand what takes orders from pirates.

Refer to the day, constantly, that he _almost_ caught CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!

Oh, and while you're at it, tell him how Captain Sparrow is the _best damn pirate_ you have EVER seen!

Tie his tights to Fort Charles's flagpole for the _Pearl_ to see. And for Gillette to see. And for Elizabeth to see. And everyone els.

Tell him that Jack is a better dresser and kisser.

Tell him what you think he'd do if he were drunk.

While you speculate, use over-acted imitations and gestures. Think Jack.

Dress up like Jack and come inside your house. Then say, "HONEY!! I'M HOOOOMMMEEE!!"

Steal his wig.

Paint it black.

Sing "A Pirate's Life for me."

When he tells you why pirates are bad, slap him in the face and say, "What the HELL did your parents teach you as a child?"

Use his wig to blow your nose.

Tell _EVERY_ pirate in the Caribbean that Norrington is giving away free ships.

Make Jack Commodore. Then make out with him so much that he wants to marry you.

Tell Norrington that you're a pirate and chase him through your house with his sword, yelling "EN GUARDE!"

Tee-Pee his house.

Give him underpants with Jack's face plastered all over them for Christmas.

Make him wear them in front of you.

Dress him in Elizabeth's lovely Wedding dress while he's asleep.

Take tons of pictures and videos of him snoring and drooling in the dress. And muttering about how he will kill Will and steal Elizabeth.

Post them on MySpace.

Tie Norrington to a chair and gag him. Glue his boots to the ground. Then play the scene in Dead Man's Chest where Jack and Elizabeth make out.

On repeat.

Bring Norrington with you to the fight in At World's End where Elizabeth and Will kiss. Then say, "She just kissed him… I think they're in _love_!! Squeeee!"

Screw the "Squeeee!"

When he's relaying orders to soldiers, loudly yell, "TUBBY JAMESY-POO NEEDS A BATHY-WATHY!"

Make him think he's infatuated with you.

Then make out with Jack, who's your real lover.

Flush the toilet 10 times in a row.

While he's in the shower.

Show him Jack's baby pictures.

Tell him, "You **SMELL** funny!"

Ask him why he buys wigs that make him look like an ice cream.

When he yells at you for asking him, slap him in the face. "Don't get mad! You really _do_ look like an ice cream!"

Every three minutes, say, "Your dad was a pirate."

When he's at his promotion ceremony, yell, "NORRY! TIME TO CHANGE YOUR DIAPER!"

On second thought, do this every time there are people around.

Force him to play baseball with you. Then throw tomatoes at him because he sucks.

Wake him up every morning at 2 AM and say, "Rise and Shine, Tubby!"

Sing loudly when he tries to sleep. Sing any Pirate song.

When he's doing important work, lean over his shoulder and ask (A LOT), "Are you done yet?"

If he tries to kick you out of his vicinity, tell him you're a figment of his imagination. Only HE can get rid of you.

And tell him that you're so strong that now he CAN'T get rid of you.

Sprinkle a LOT of itching powder in his trousers and all of his underpants. ALL OF THEM.

Get honey all over his butt. I mean: the butt area on his pants.

Shove his butt into a beehive.

Better yet, into an ant-hill full of **RED ANTS**.

Decorate his bedroom: Jack Sparrow style. Tons of Jack posters, Jack bedding, pillows, stand-ups, statues, costumes, etc.

Ask him if he thinks you're pretty.

When he says yes, ask if he thinks you're prettier than Elizabeth.

If he says yes, say, "If you said no I would've told you that you look like an Ice Cream Cone."

Pour sprinkles, nuts, and chocolate syrup all over his wig. Tell him that you're sure that he'll make a delicious ice cream cone.

Skip around him and sing "Will and Elizabeth sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

When he's groggy and asks you for the razor to trim his beard, give him a hairbrush. When he wants to brush his hair, give him a razor. When he's bald, laugh so hard your stomach will fall out of your butt. (I got this one from another fic)

When you give him a hair cut, mess up.

On "accident."

When he tells you to stop bugging him, say "Sorry, ol' habits and all that."

When he smiles because he thinks you're done, start all over again.

Stuff his wig in an ice cream cone. When he says "Oh, not AGAIN!" you must say, "Ice cream is to me what Rum is to Jack Sparrow!"

Tell him that you think he should've never been a Commodore because he's a rum-pot deck hand what takes orders from pirates.

Tell him his name is "Scruffington."

When he proposes to you, despite all of the annoyingness, tell him you don't marry ugly, fat pirate wannabes that resemble ice creams. He'll really hate you now.

There you have it! A comprehensive guide to annoying the EX-COMMODORE, James Norrington! A new guide will be posted…very soon… for a mysterious character that will be unveiled to your prying eyes. Remember, you have Alienated yourself from two people if you have used all of these tactics on the two people they have been made specifically for.

**Hehe.** I love annoying characters :) Unless, of course, it's Jack (who is pure beauty), in which case, I wouldn't do any of the things in my "be Jack's root of all things annoying" list :)


	3. How to Annoy Davy Jones

Daaang! It's been an entire year….almost. Well, better update then. Sorry it took so long! Anyway, we're on Squid-face right now…

**Davy Bucket-Feet**

Ahaa! So now you've hit Will, and James Norrington, in their….spots? Eh. Now we attack the big guy. The big fishface. Let's do this thing!

Poke him with a very, very long stick.

Then say "Ewwwww he's _squishy_!"

Take away his organs (you know, the ones he plays, not the ones he lacks).

Say that men with no internal organs cannot have external ones.

Give him a clarinet and call him Squidward.

Threaten to stab his heart.

Then poke it with a stick.

Sing "My Paper Heart" in front of him.

Better still… "My Heart Will Go On."

Call him a eunuch.

When he asks how you know, tell him that his voice can, at times, be high-pitched, and of course, that a man with no heart must not have masculine organs, either.

Give him a Jar of Dirt for his birthday.

On the card, write about how he got beat by a Jar of Dirt.

Mention the card to him.

Every. Single. Day.

Tie little pink ribbons to every tentacle in his tentacle-hair and tentacle-beard.

Take pictures of it and post them up online. Everywhere. Anywhere.

Tell him you changed your name to Calypso.

Force him to call you that every day.

Play the At World's End scene where Calypso is returned.

On repeat.

Then play the scene of the stabbing of his heart.

On repeat.

For four thousand years.

Nah, for eternity.

Beat him in liar's dice.

Constantly ask him questions about the Kraken.

Ask him how he killed it, and what it felt like, and if the Kraken is still squishy.

Give him a bucket to step in. Tell him it's filled with water that's being purified.

When it's actually filled with cement.

Watch him freak out as it hardens and turns into "land."

Tell him that Jack's gonna stab his heart.

Right now.

Tell him that if he doesn't hide, Jack said he's gonna play darts.

And the target is the heart, which will, by the way, be stuck on the wall.

Tell him all about the legend of Jack Sparrow.

Then ask him about his legend.

Fall asleep when he says the first word.

When he tries to slap you to wake him up, slap him first.

Tell him boring people don't deserve your time.

Offer him some calamari.

After he takes the first bite, tell him "Isn't it good? I know. It's made out of squid. By the way, I was wondering if your…beard… regenerates."

Give him Jack Sparrow memorabilia.

Offer to release Calypso from her bonds.

Then when he flips out, crack up and say, "Oh, RIGHT, we already _did_ that."

Call him fish-face.

When he asks you, "Do you fear death?" Slap him.

Then say "That's no way to treat a lady!"

If you're a guy, that's even better because he'll be too shocked to continue.

Oh, and after you slap him, say "EWWW you're SLIMY!"

Force him to take a bath.

Make him ferry souls. Whip his back every time he doesn't.

If he tries to kill you, stab his heart.

Sew it back together so he lives.

Then stab it again.

VOILA, you have completed course number 3! Next week, we move onto _other_ dangerous waters… Now, forgive me, I must work on my Pirate Puppet Pals video XD


	4. Note to readers: UPDATING SOON!

Hey everyone –

I will be updating this within the week. IRL I have final exams – and haven't posted in a few months because of school. Rest assured, it will be up.

Love,

Lady Sparks


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